Hootin Heck, how are y’all! Ma name’s Dave Jorgensen and it’s ma privilege to show the rest o’ yo NASCAR lovin’ fans exactly what yo been missin by not tuning into the F1 programs. When that big ol’ F1 circus rolls into town at the Circuit of Americas in Texas yo gonna need tellin’ what’s what and who’s who? So I gone and done it for ya. Here’s who they are what they does.
F1 Drivers – Most of ’em are real small foreign-speaking fellas, butt-high to a rattlesnake. They’re all so tiny when you meet ’em you don’t know whether to shake their hand or adopt ’em. But, if they can speak English, they can be a tall driver like Mark Webber or Jenson Button or Paul DiResta
Driver names – A lot of drivers sound like they should come from sunny Italy, but don’t be fooled – Alonso ain’t a greaseball he’s from Spain, DiResta sounds like he should be making pizzas for Goodfellas but he’s a Scotch and Dan Ricciardo sounds like he should be taking payments for the Sopranos but he’s from Austria-land.
Drivers girlfriends – Some of ’em are real perdy. ’Specially the one that hangs on to Fern-an-doe Alon-so. That’s because in F1 you don’t have to date your cousin or your high school sweetheart. One of them is so fine I heard she’s a model for lan-jer-ay. They call her Jess. Ain’t worth figurin’ out how to pronounce her second name but it sounds a bit like Mitsubushi pick-up.
Driver buddyness – There’s nuthin’ an F1 driver likes better than to get close to his fans. One of the guys to watch out for is that Kim Raik-ko-no-nen. Kim is our kinda guy and likes to party till the sun comes up. On race weekend he gotta mind his manners, but be sure to ask him for an autograph and one for your cousin and one for your cousin’s cousin.
Rolling Start – F1 don’t go a bundle on the rolling start, like you see in a proper motor NASCAR race. They like to hunker down pretty much stock still on the grid before them red lights go out. Only one driver in F1 likes a rollin’ start and that’s Pas-tor Mal-do-nado. Watch out for him, he’s the one in the paddock that has all the girls screaming. Not so much Groundhog Day as Groundhog Face.
Safety Car – I aint sayin’ them F1 drivers are cissies, no sir, but the minute an itty bitty piece falls off one of them cake decoration aerofoils, they go yellin’ to a guy called Charlie to bring out the Health and Safety Car. Gotta hand it to them, though, when it comes to wet weather and drivin’ in the rain, they don’ mind at all, they’re happier than a gator in a ’glade.
Pit-Stops – Pit-stops are done in real crazy speed. They ain’t got time to clean the bugs off the windscreens. And no windscreens neither. Before you have time to say ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ they’re in and gone.
Motorhomes – F1 people despite their fancy ways are real welcomin’ folk. If you get inside the paddock, drop by and enjoy their F1 down home hospitality. Entry to the paddock is free for anyone wearing a cowboy hat. Just step right on up to any one of them shiny Winnebagos and say “Ah’ve come for a “Lar-Tay!”You’ll get red carpet treatment.
TV Presenters – There’s three guys that front up the programs for the BBC and boy, do they like to have their fun. ’cos it’s a sport filled with two-bit short stops, they gone and picked the tallest guy they could find to do the interviews. They call him Jake and he’s a good ol’ Norwich Boy and he’s got a lot in common with rednecks. We all got family trees that look like totem poles.