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Secret Tageblog: 2013 Awaits
Monday 7th January 2013

Young guns take the Michael for the last time in Brazil (Sutton)

Hello my tifosis and tifosich, welcome to the new 2013. I was suggested that it would be good to send out a letter telling people my plans for the year around about the time of the Autosport International Show in Nec, which is near Birmingham.

What does the year hold in store for The Schum you may be questioning, now that I have parked my helmet for the final time.

For a start I am packing away all the nice retirement presents given to me at the end of the season. Kamui Kobayashi gave me a signed front wing, which was a nice touch. Possibly the nicest touch I have had from him. Nico Rosberg bought me a zimmer frame and some false teeth and Ross Brawn bought me an 8’ x 6’ apex shed and a subscription to Practical Woodworking magazine.

It was an interesting three years I am having on my return to F1. It was a great change to be the underdog in many races. You see for most of my time at Ferrari I was the overdog and expected to win. But even though I did not win for Mercedes, I enjoyed my final season; making a pole in Monaco and reaching a podium in Valencia. Also I have been able to race on many new tracks such as Texas, India, Korea, Singapore, Abu Dhabi and 9.87% of Silverstone.

Since I stopped racing I have had many suggestions to new careers. Somebody said I could put on my Deutches Vermogensberatung cap and wander round the F1 paddock looking vaguely lost – the job Nikki Lauda does for German television. I have had many more suggestions also.

I could use my inside knowledge to bet on F1. Lieblings pudgie wudgie donut face says I don’t need to find a betting shop, I can open an account with Paddy Power, but I am not sure if I would end up sending more money to Eddie Jordan.

Bernie told me that I would be perfect for an ambassadorial role. He said to me that because I liked going to the USA many times that I could help promote the race across America as well as the new Austin circuit. He said I would be the Austin Ambassador. After saying this he laughed very heartily so I am suspecting there is a joke in there somewhere.

I have many marketing enterprises poked in my direction. I sit in a lot of meetings with “creatives” – these are mostly men with broken shavers who dress like tramps, but smell like Christina Aguilera – and listen to their clean slate/blue sky thinking.
During my time in F1 I was becoming well known for travelling everywhere around the paddock by scooter. A new company wants to make a compact electric scooter and call it the Zoomy Schumi.

Perhaps I can feature it in my new television programme. You are probably seeing in England a programme called the Top Gear (in fact I was revealed as The Stig one time). I have an idea that I should host the German Top Gear. In the format Norbert Haug could play the James May character, the fat know-it-all who loves talking endlessly about technical matters but doesn’t drive very fast – we will call him Herr Doktor Slow.

We can make many humorous jokes about Norbert being too fat to fit in the cars, or his weight slowing them down. This will be good.

For the Richard Hammond character I think we could use Nick Heidfeld. He is also very small (but quite honestly and obviously not as vain) and we can be making many jokes about his size, such as putting a booster seat in his car and him not being able to see over the steering wheel. I would play the Jeremy Clarkson part. I don’t think I will be able to be as funny or as argumentative, but at least I wouldn’t let a woman beat me round the old Nurburgring.

Yes, so many suggestions. Be the Pirelli tester Michael, advertise this new product Michael, develop a new range of smart-but-casual leisurewear Michael - but the thing that appeals most is an idea to work on a new supercar from Mercedes. That would certainly be a lot of nice fun. And do you know what I am thinking, we can possibly surpass our achievements with the Fiat Stilo Schumacher – that was a car that made everyone look like Herr Doktor Slow.

Many thanks for all your messages of support and we will speak soon.

The Schum