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Run, It’s The Wolff
Thursday 24th January 2013

“Hey, Toto, when you replace the fat guy, eh…?”  (Sutton)

The announcement that Williams CEO Toto Wolff has moved to become head of Mercedes Motorsport and could well take over as team principal of the Mercedes F1 team - ousting Ross Brawn in the process - has been a major story running all this week.

It’s the kind of story that demands some serious analysis and some trenchant insight into the workings of the top echelons of motorsport management. But this is OffonF1.com so you’re not going to get that, are you.

Especially when you’re dealing with a guy whose first name is Toto, the name of Dorothy’s Cairn terrier in the Wizard of Oz – as in “we’re a long way from Kansas now, Toto.” The name Toto Wolff, sounds a like something generated by the Porn Name Generator.

In case you hadn’t done this – to get your very own porn star name you take the name of your childhood pet as your first name, and the street you lived in as your second name. So if you had a cat called “Ginger” and lived in “Meadows Road” your porn name would be “Ginger Meadows”.

Working with Toto Wolff as the model, F1 team principals obviously have to be named after dogs that starred in films – first name, with fairy tale characters for their second name. Thus we get:

Mercedes: Toto Wolff
McLaren: Gromit Three-Pigs
Red Bull: Digby Goldilocks
Ferrari: Pluto Riding-Hood
Lotus: Hooch Peep
Sauber: Beethoven Gruff
Force India: Lassie Three-Bears
Williams: Marley Hansel
Caterham: Benji Gruff
Toro Ross: Bolt In-Boots
Marussia: Slinky Gretel

Toto is also the name of a seventies American rock band which had major hits with ‘Africa’, ‘Hold The Line’ and ‘Rosanna’. They’ll be on the road in Europe this summer celebrating 35 years in the business, playing gigs at rock venues in Belgium, France, Netherlands, Germany, Italy and Switzerland. So it’s likely that middle-aged soft-rock fans will be seeing a lot more of Toto in 2013 than Ross Brawn…