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Not The F1 News: Woooh! 56 Laps
Saturday 15th June 2013

Not The F1 News - Another Unreliable Report

Jessica wishes boyfriend Jenson could “go for 56 laps on a Pirelli Medium”

Tyreless Paul
After Paul DiResta managed to make his Pirelli tyres last a mammoth 56 laps in Montreal there were some ribald remarks in the F1 press about Di Resta’s love life. There was the suggestion that if Paul could transfer his on-track skills into the bedroom how lucky would girlfriend Morag be. However a former girlfriend has now stepped forward to allege that life with Paul was not like a beautifully judged long run on the a Pirelli medium, no, it was more like a one-lap qualifying special. And that he always went too fast on the outlap.

Christian Horner: Odious Big Ears
The Formula 1 world has been honoured in this year’s Queen’s Birthday Honours List. Red Bull team boss Christian Horner has received an O.B.E. for his services to motorsport. Other envious personnel in the pitlane have been offering suggestions as to what the initials O.B.E. might stand for other than Order of the British Empire. Suggestions have included – Oily Bastard Elf, Old Big ‘ead, Originally Blond & Effite, Obstructive Bloody Egotist (that one from a Brackley-based team), but the one that most people find appropriate is Obviously Bernie Ecclestone II.

Sky Inspired By Wet Caravan Holidays In Wales
F1 Sky Sports lynchpin Peter Gill is refusing to give the reason why the Sky team chose ‘Jenga’ as the children’s game they want F1 drivers to play to liven up dull race weekends. In Montreal Johnny Herbert challenged the two Sauber drivers, Nico Hulkenberg and Esteban Gutierrez, to a game of Giant Jenga before the race. For those who don’t know the game, it’s a set of wooden blocks, arranged in decks of three and stacked on top of each other. The idea is to remove one block at a time without making the tower of blocks topple over. Sky had made it into an F1 game by Pritt-sticking the photos of F1 drivers past and present to the sides of the blocks. Given the likes of Gutierrez, Grosjean, Perez and van der Garde in the field there have been calls to vary the game from race to race to include, Battling Tops, Battleships, and most obvious of all – Ker-Plunk.

Kimi Guests On Samaritans Phone-In
There was embarrassment all round at the Red Bull team when a Red Bull phone-in with Kimi Raikkonen was mistakenly patched into a Samaritans helpline. Before the mistake was discovered Kimi had already given out various bits of sage advice to the callers. These included:
“Why don’t you go and top yourself then and stop wasting my time.”
“You think you’re suicidal, you don’t have to speak to Jenny Gow after races.”
“I should jump. You never know till you try.”
“Rally driving takes longer, but you get there in the end.”

McLaren’s Losing Streak Continues
McLaren lost their formidable record of scoring points in 64 successive grands prix when Sergio Perez finished 11th in Montreal. This is the latest loss in a succession of losses for the Woking team – earlier this season they lost their title sponsor Vodafone, they have lost 5th place in the constructors’ championship to Force India, they have lost their technical director Paddy Lowe and last year they lost long-term Mclaren protege Lewis Hamilton. So, every cloud does have a silver lining…